bad mum

i loathe going into the office every day. i seriously considered hiding under my desk if one more person knocked on my door. i spent the rest of the day combing through a mountain of emails and returning calls. where all they came from is beyond me. i was *supposed* to be on vacation last week and therefore immune to the deluge of emails i usually get.

on the homefront, we've taken a break from schooling for the year. elisabeth was happy to hear that. she's still continuing with her reading but no new lessons until january. matt is off from school until then, so the girls are getting a break as well.

i feel like i'm being a bad mum. i haven't had time to cook/bake for them and they're eating junk. no time for games or crafts or reading or cuddling. i have such guilt when i'm not home. i hear about their day rather than being able to experience it with them. i hate that.

this is something that made me realise there are more important things in the world than my selfish desires.

Stephen Ringold is a clown facing a tough audience -- a sick child in a hospital room who needs holiday cheer. For a few minutes, Stephany Nieto sits on her mother's lap, suspiciously eyeing the tall man with the red-and-white checkered shoes half-hiding behind the curtain. Smiling doesn't come easily to the little girl, who her mother says is being examined for a serious illness called moyamoya, an rare inflammation of the brain arteries that can cause seizures and paralysis.

But for a few moments, something whimsical captures her attention.

As Ringold -- a.k.a. Dr. Meatloaf -- stoops to pick up something, his ukulele-playing partner played by Phyllis Capello plants a hard slap on his behind with her instrument. Suddenly, Stephany is giggling and ordering Capello to plant another hard one on his back side.

it helps to keep things in perspective, doesn't it?

foster care news

we got some news about matt's foster care situation. his mother was sentenced and will be staying in jail. i should feel conflicted about this but really, i'm not. i've felt for a long time that he isn't a priority to her. how much abuse can he take? he doesn't remember when he first came to stay with us when he was 3, but if they keep putting him back in that situation it's going to affect him permanently.

anyway, there's going to be a custody hearing next week. the general consensus is that she'll lose custody permanently and the ministry will get guardianship. which means, matt will be eligible for adoption. But, this has happened before. last year when he was with us, she had a year to convince them she was a fit parent. only when we applied to adopt matt did she realise she needed to take it seriously. if her rights are terminated, we may have to go to another hearing about being his permanent foster parents.

i know we're not supposed to get attached but that's hard to do when you have a child living in your home. he was only supposed to be here for a couple of months and i've been expecting them to suddenly take him back. the thought that he could stay here for good is almost too much to hope for. *flails* i'm really trying not to think about these matters but they creep into my thoughts anyway.